I am an ape.
I bang my fists.
I make loud sound.
I want more.
I get mad.
I make quiet sounds.
I move my body.
Hand an ape an iPad.
I think I will one day get past the trauma of my youth.
I think, in that moment, the sky will open.
I love spice.
It takes my mouth places.
It makes my mind calm.
I wonder why.
My mind, on spice, is calmer than my mind on medication.
I think spice is divine.
I think all the non spice eaters are missing out on something magical.
I love spice.
I think, that maybe spice takes our tongues to the intersection of pleasure and pain.
I think, that maybe this distracts us from our other problems.
I sound like an addict.
I am in love with spice, and I have no qualms about it.
I think I want to sleep forever.
When I dream I am truly free.
I think that is why I am so angry in the mornings.
When I awake I am reminded of what I really am.
But when I dream...
When I dream my limbs are like mattresses.
I don't even notice they're there.
When I dream, yes the colors are still psychedelic, but they don't make my eyes sting.
I can stare without eyelid tension.
When I dream, yes my thoughts still cycle rapidly, but they come out with ease.
Like a mildly muddy floor, my thoughts, while dreaming, slide.
When I am awake nothing slides.
Its as if every surface, of every object, of every action, is covered in sandpaper.
Like a landscape primed for Legos.
But when I dream I escape.
I wish I could sleep forever.
But I know I can not.
So I will enjoy each dream.
I will think of each muddy moment.
I will paint this landscape brown.
It is impossible to escape your thought patterns.
Like a train on a track.
Some of us have lengthy tracks and some are like tracks around football fields, but they are all cyclical.
There is no starting point or finish line.
I hate it.
I think my track is long.
I think most people say that though
My thoughts follow a pattern.
Yours do too.
Sounds are like snakes.
They slither leglessly unjointed fluid.
That's why we dance.
Sounds are spiritual.
They remind us that we are all connected.
There is a direct path between each vibration.
Only sound can remind us that we are all spiritual beings.
Like marbles on a string.
Like leaves upon moving water.
I have a twitter handle now.
It is @sami_kadah
I plan to use it for social and silly purposes.
Being unable to speak makes arguing so difficult.
People get mad, raise their voices and walk away mid conversation.
I always lose.
I can't control my timbre.
I can't control my speed or volume.
It's like fighting through text messaging.
I wish all people would slow down when arguing.
Maybe then we would really hear each other.
I want all of you to know that I have read every one of your comments and emails.
I so appreciate them.
They make me feel less alone.
I am trying to respond as best as I can.
It takes time.
I type about five words per minute.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I wish there was an autistic movement.
Not organized research funds led by the nondisabled tear jerker types, but one of civil disobedience.
I want riots.
Traffic stopping, tear gas taunting, recklessness.
I want black lives matter momentum.
Because we have no rights.
Not even basic human rights.
We don't have the right to feed ourselves, or choose our clothing or wipe our own asses.
We can't speak, can't go anywhere, can't control our bodies.
I would like to make the world know.
I want, in animalistic vulgar fashion, to display my autism.
Will you join me?