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Guilt is a complex emotion
Being autistic, I often do regrettable things It gets more complicated by the fact that I don't have complete control of my actions But I do have some control and my ability to do so varies drastically Does it depend on the wind? Or on the lighting in the room? Or on my self image? I do not know My autism limits my metacognition Like a fishing net does to a school of small fish So when I act regretibly how much guilt should I feel? I feel all of it But this doesn't help me change What good is guilt if it cannot lead to change? My guilt piles up The pile can get pretty big Like an overstuffed trash bag I break Then I add to the pile
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I do not want to go to college I said I did before But that was a formality Like do you want to marry? Do you want your own car? Do you want to be wealthy? I do not want to go to college I just don't Read me
See me Hear me I’m the one clinging to the bottom of your dirty jeans I'm the messied corner where all sweeping stops I'm the four year anniversary of the expiration date The crumbs left in the pie tin The shoes on the slaughtered lamb The leftover guitar string I can't communicate alone
So all of my thoughts Fill me up like a big balloon And when I pop, And yes I do pop, Thoughts flow out of me in all directions But each thought Is voiceless Sometimes silent Or bloody Or holes in walls Or tears Grandpa where did you go wrong?
Did you forget to preheat the oven? Is that why this bread is mushy? Family confuses me
High expectations break bending backs Children sit on trampolines While grownups hammer nails into concrete walls We, the strange ones, are smart.
You likely assume the opposite, but you are wrong. While you are picnicking in the park, we are exploring the cosmos of our minds. While you trim hedges on fountain pens, we jiggle marshmallow moon dreams. Sometimes, if we shake hard enough, a dream falls outand slips beneath your wrinkled living room rug. You sit and sip your sugared tea. But we hold that pu’er beneath our tongues and dance. Having a routine is essential
If you have a loved one living with autism please try to have routines Everything about the world is unpredictable when you have autism Colors shift and sharpen The air thickens Touch intensifies and then becomes numb The smell of your house calms and harrasses you You internal dialog is constantly changing it's tone and overlapping itself We need consistency It’s not going to be found internally You can help by creating daily routines Never know when you will be coming
Not sure that you ever leave My violence I write you this letter I kneel with bended knee I beg you to consider my offer To not harm them and only to harm me But you my dear, you aren't such a gambler You like the chizzled bricks and boiling tears You are a subtle man And I don't understand Who, what or which thing brought you here I hear the jingle on your swollen ankle It’s timbre smells like berries in the mud I hear it even when the moon is slanted But I simply can't anticipate it's thud I think the thoughts
They move rapidly and procreate They dance just like your thoughts do They lower anchors in the salty mud But they only get expressed every so often And it's getting crowded in here |
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