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I wonder if electrical pathways can be strengthened.
If you could drink a gallon through a coffee stirrer. I wonder if the space between dry wall and brick can be filled with more air. Or if reconstruction is needed. Can we learn to use these corroded swords to win battles? Or is it that the sword is trash? I wonder if I'll really learn to speak.
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I hate my autism.
It makes me hurt the ones I love most. It makes my body act like a wild animal. It makes me do annoying repetitive things. It makes my muscles weak and tired. It makes my senses strange and silly in an irritating way. I hate being autistic because sometimes it is all that I am. I want to know if it is cold after the storm comes.
If everything remains wet or if it shrivels like a raisin. If the must melds to the essence of each wall or if the scent of flowers prevails. I want to know if the edge of each crisping leaf holds on to the last breath of summer. I want to know if the edge of each iris holds memories of uteran slumbers. If not, I want to know how to be reborn. Today is a court mandated day.
It is what it sounds like. It is dry, dark and dull. It is dad's day. I don't like that I want to see him. It is a compulsion. Like an addict, I await his arrival. Air like stone. Legs like lips. Pressing emotions to dusty carpets, my legs flirt like the wind to the grass. He is such a dull man. No magic, no mysteries, no love. Like a robot he rationalizes. If if then is all there is then I dont want to be here. If equations could describe the transitions between sounds and silences. My dad is a dull man and I don't like it, but I need him. I want to discuss my experience with CBD.
I started taking the medication last week. I have noticed many positive changes. It seems to increase the amount of time my amygdala takes to react to frustrations. I am able to avoid impulsively hitting, biting and headbutting It also makes my body feel much more relaxed. I normally carry a lot of tension in my tendons and ligament, CBD helps relieve this. I think everyone should try it. The summer is coming to an end.
The sweet wheat of autumn approaches. There is a unique longing in the summer, which will turn to contentment in the months to come. I await the colors of fire, blood and dandelions. The crunch of stale leaves beneath my feet is palpable even now. I will welcome the brisk sweater buttoning winds. But I will miss the freeing endless evenings. Do not look back too long. There are violent terrors. The future is unwritten yet. I know as it unfolds I will embrace it. I will do the best I can. One day we will be painted in a different light.
May this day come before my death. May we, with scrambled frontal lobes, run countries. The trees would be lined like long lazy rivers. Maybe we will let you see them too. May we, with banana fingers, break barriers. The lines in roads where bicycles brake will bend and blur. May we, the tragic ones, find freedom. The sky will be filled. I think, very soon, we will. There are people out there with wings.
My world attracts them. They swoop down like laundry down a chute and enlighten my life. I smell their effervescent roses long after they leave. It stays. I have to remember them in the coming weeks. For boredom beckons. I smell that too. It smells like paper towels. I viciously will wet my hands while I still can. It is so great to be making new connections.
I never knew what it means to have friends. I'm starting to get it. I hope that one day I will have many friends. I love getting emails and comments. It makes me feel like I am not alone. To those of you who've contacted me, thank you so much. To those who just read, please say hi. I need all of you. When I was a child I was completely alone. I couldn't talk or laugh or play. Now I have a voice. I want to make up for lost time. |
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