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I took a brief break from writing
I let my words marinate Like yogurt on meat They were absorbed slowly I examined the events from my childhood I felt the raw pain of uncleansed wounds The uninhibited wildflower And then I imagined what could be And then what was Seemed to drip away
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The family is here and I am thrilled
To feel connected To feel a part of something Is like a warm blanket On a frigid fall afternoon Like the pop of fresh kernels The moment the sun lays its dreary head Dreaming of what is to come What remains And what is My brain has turned to dense mud
My limbs like stuck branches wont budge The air like jelly My blubber body grumbles I am tired today I have some hope today
I thought hope flew away When the rocks fell towards the sky See I couldn't see That as they left me They were heading towards the sun And though I am behind Fatalistic as it seems The fact that we are all headed in the same direction Is a comfort I want complete control
I am constantly settling for fractional chunks I want to be a speedboat I am not though I am a sailboat on a stagnant swamp My anchor is caught in the chunky mud Surrounded by decomposed snakeskins My sails are shredded And my engine’s out of fuel I feel so bad about how I’ve impacted mom’s life
I am just so cased Lots of shells I want to destroy each one I feel so much anger towards society I hate to see others being happy and I hate that I feel that way I want friends in real life I want real connections to people I hate my shitty dad and I want to love him I want a clear my mind I hate dealing with my mom I love my mom dearly I hate how difficult it is to communicate I sometimes wish I were silent again I hate every person who left me I think I will never forgive my abuser I will never understand why I was given this life I sometimes blame god and feel guilty for doing so I want to fall in love and know that I cannot I don't like the way my autism makes me look I dream and get mad at myself for not being realistic I want to be able to control my behavior so badly I hate that I can’t sleep alone I hate that I never see my family I never got to be a child and that makes me sad and jealous I hate feeling jealous, but I feel it constantly I hate that I can’t speak I want to sing words I want to be less emotional I want to be simple Give me a carrot
Lord knows I need one Tied to a lampost Covered with stale mustard Under a mule’s rotten hoof Inside a snail’s shell Wrapped in flowers On an abstract plane Withing a nightmare’s climax On a computer monitor Orbiting the unfound planets Five thousand years ago In a garden behind my barn My legs are shaking
They move with the violent wind Of my unpredictable life Which is no longer connected To a single stable spot My daily drudge Is no longer a flag on a pole It is a loose balloon Flailing in the furious ethos Like a legless giraffe in a large pool Throw me your anchor So that I can die with some certainty Being autistic is like trying to fly a plane with a fishing rod
The lack of control is aggravating Like trying to open your eyes when they are already open Like trying to thread with one finger Like trying to clean the museum floor with a hammer Like trying to pick up individual strands of leg hair in the ocean Like peanut butter in your beard Like chalk dust Like very unripe fruit Like two pairs of underwear in the sauna Like burnt popcorn kernels Like hugging a small snake Like love And everything else I am at a loss for words
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