Guilt is a complex emotion
Being autistic, I often do regrettable things
It gets more complicated by the fact that I don't have complete control of my actions
But I do have some control and my ability to do so varies drastically
Does it depend on the wind?
Or on the lighting in the room?
Or on my self image?
I do not know
My autism limits my metacognition
Like a fishing net does to a school of small fish
So when I act regretibly how much guilt should I feel?
I feel all of it
But this doesn't help me change
What good is guilt if it cannot lead to change?
My guilt piles up
The pile can get pretty big
Like an overstuffed trash bag I break
Then I add to the pile
I do not want to go to college
I said I did before
But that was a formality
Like do you want to marry?
Do you want your own car?
Do you want to be wealthy?
I do not want to go to college
I just don't
I’m the one clinging to the bottom of your dirty jeans
I'm the messied corner where all sweeping stops
I'm the four year anniversary of the expiration date
The crumbs left in the pie tin
The shoes on the slaughtered lamb
The leftover guitar string
I can't communicate alone
So all of my thoughts
Fill me up like a big balloon
And when I pop,
And yes I do pop,
Thoughts flow out of me in all directions
But each thought
Or holes in walls
Grandpa where did you go wrong?
Did you forget to preheat the oven?
Is that why this bread is mushy?
Family confuses me
High expectations break bending backs
Children sit on trampolines
While grownups hammer nails into concrete walls
We, the strange ones, are smart.
You likely assume the opposite, but you are wrong.
While you are picnicking in the park, we are exploring the cosmos of our minds.
While you trim hedges on fountain pens, we jiggle marshmallow moon dreams.
Sometimes, if we shake hard enough, a dream falls outand slips beneath your wrinkled living room rug.
You sit and sip your sugared tea.
But we hold that pu’er beneath our tongues and dance.
Having a routine is essential
If you have a loved one living with autism please try to have routines
Everything about the world is unpredictable when you have autism
Colors shift and sharpen
The air thickens
Touch intensifies and then becomes numb
The smell of your house calms and harrasses you
You internal dialog is constantly changing it's tone and overlapping itself
We need consistency
It’s not going to be found internally
You can help by creating daily routines
Never know when you will be coming
Not sure that you ever leave
My violence I write you this letter
I kneel with bended knee
I beg you to consider my offer
To not harm them and only to harm me
But you my dear, you aren't such a gambler
You like the chizzled bricks and boiling tears
You are a subtle man
And I don't understand
Who, what or which thing brought you here
I hear the jingle on your swollen ankle
It’s timbre smells like berries in the mud
I hear it even when the moon is slanted
But I simply can't anticipate it's thud
I think the thoughts
They move rapidly and procreate
They dance just like your thoughts do
They lower anchors in the salty mud
But they only get expressed every so often
And it's getting crowded in here